Who are YOU?

"Wow. I really am just too skinny."

"I look ugly don't I?" 

"Man, I'm annoying myself. You must really hate me right now."

"I wish I had her voice." 

Blah blah blah blah blah! I may be totally off track, so correct me if I'm wrong, but am I the only one who doesn't think that's cute? 

I'm not gonna sit here and tell you, "Learn to love yourself." That's bogus. But I think it is very important to learn to be secure with who you are. It makes a relationship way better and keeps it from turning into a constant therapy session and ego boost exercise. Let me explain. 

I used to struggle a lot with being insecure about myself. Whether it was my personality, my head shape, or my stick-like wrists. I have grown up in a difficult home life and have struggled with rejection and very high standards. That really affected my self perception. I never told anyone that, so I kept it to myself and got self conscious about who I was. Whenever I was around Brian, I felt like I had to be perfect. Slowly but surely, I realized that Brian wasn't dating me because of my outfit or dynamic personality. He loved me for me. He loved me despite my flaws. 

When I finally understood that concept, I was able to let loose more and be myself. Brian even noticed. One day, I took a step and didn't wear any makeup around Brian. He said, "Bec, you look gorgeous. I don't think there has ever been a time where I have seen you look this beautiful!" I was like.... (o.0) ....what? My personality was more natural too. I didn't feel like I had to hide my bad side because I knew that Bri would stick with me even if I wasn't being very nice. 

I've gotten Brian's agreement on this: He thinks it is more attractive when I am confident in myself and don't feel it necessary to bash my appearance or personality. There have been times when I've said something negative about myself and Brian doesn't like it. For instance, I just said a couple days ago, "Wow....I look scary skinny right now. Ew that's disgusting." Brian said, "Bec. Don't say that. You're perfect." With that kind of help and encouragement, and also with a changed attitude, I have gotten a lot better in this area. (Not perfect though) Now, I go without makeup a lot and look into Brian's eyes without feeling ugly. I'm able to know that after a bad day, Brian still loves and won't pick apart who I am because I wasn't happy go lucky like normal. It's really a huge freedom for both me and Brian. 

So, a shout out to everyone, but specifically girls: Don't try to change or cover up who you are for fear of rejection. And don't think that by bashing yourself and calling out your imperfections that it's doing any good. It certainly isn't doing anything except probably annoying the crud out of your partner. Now, if you are with a person who can't handle you without makeup or on your PMS days then whoa, that's a different story! Hit the road! (I may be wrong or taking it to the extreme. . . sorry if I am. I can be extreme sometimes. Can I get an amen Bri?)
 
Don't spend your time worrying about small things that make you "less than perfect." You are perfect just the way God made you. Yes, you have flaws, just like I do, but it doesn't define who we are and it definitely doesn't change our standing with God. 

Luv Languages

Gary Chapman speaks of "Five Love Languages" and how they apply to relationships of all kinds but especially to dating and marriage relationships. These are the five:

Words of Affirmation

Physical Touch

Quality Time

Acts of Service

Gifts

When Becca and I started dating, I didn't even know exactly what love languages were. For all I knew, it could have been some dialect of Portuguese. 

Everyone has a certain way of expressing and receiving love. In our relationship, we have discovered the importance of learning one another's love language. The better we are at speaking it, the smoother things will go.

Brian feels most loved when I compliment him and spend time with him. That would be Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. I'm awful at giving compliments so I have had to develop in that area in order to make him feel loved. When I compliment him and tell him how good he is a something, that gives him a shot in the arm and makes him want to do even better. I have tried to do better at recognizing various characteristics about Brian and telling him that I noticed so that he feels appreciated. That is huge for him. Although I still have a lot to learn, I started noticing a difference once I started complimenting him more. Also, Quality time is a great one because Brian feels loved when I spend time with him. Whether it is just doing homework, watching a movie, or running errands with him, he likes when we are together. So do I, so that's a plus. ;)

Becca is a good bit different than me when it comes to love languages. I have found that her top three are Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Quality Time. Every girl wants to feel beautiful and loved, so a tip to all guys out there, compliment your partner with no reserve. You can never compliment her enough. So, with that said, Becca likes it when I compliment her. For example: her outfit, her kindness, her study habits, etc. This is all included in Words of Affirmation. 

Quality time is also huge. If I get caught up in school, work, or hobbies and I don't take time out of my days to spend JUST with Becca, she won't feel as loved. Going on an outing every week or two, even if it's just for coffee or a walk is a good idea in my opinion. Lastly is Physical touch. Becca feels very loved if I scratch her back, have my arm around her, or hold her hand. I could give her all the quality time in the world, but if I don't do the seemingly small things, it won't be quality time in her book.

We need to remember that we are all different. Learn about your partner, study them if you will. Analyze who they are and what makes them feel special so that you can love them in the most powerful way possible. You can shower someone with gifts all day long, thinking that they are feeling so loved, but really, they might rather you just give them a big ole bear hug. The only way that you will know these types of things is by studying your partner and getting to know what makes them feel like a million bucks.