Overlooking the small things

As sinful human beings, it is in our nature to take things for granted. Things that used to make our hearts feel full and happy can get to a place where we barely acknowledge them. We most likely are not doing this on purpose, but it still happens and we need to be aware of it.

Brian opens the door for me ALL the time. When we first started dating I might give him a sweet smile and say, "Thanks baby." Nowadays, I might just walk in and not even notice. Now, I don't think it's necessary to always be freaking out with thankfulness, but I think it would be a good idea to make sure that I appreciate that about Brian. Once I do that, he will feel it and know that I'm thankful for him, even in the small ways. Even if it's just a "Thank you" or every once in a while saying, "Man, I really love that you always treat me respectfully by opening the door for me." I don't know, I might be over thinking that. What do you think Bri?

One of my love languages is Physical Touch. Brian knows that, so when he reaches over...(WHOA! *freaks out* He is reading his marketing book (not watching me type this) and he just put his arm over and started massaging my neck....he's psychic!) But what I was gonna say is, when he does something like that, he is loving me by showing love the way he knows I like it best. SO, I need to make sure that I call that out and be thankful instead of letting that type of thing go unnoticed. I want to get better at noticing when Brian does those small (but significant) things, so that I can tell him thank you and let him know that I appreciate him. Not only does that make him feel like he is doing something right, but it also encourages him to do that more! ;)

Arguments

Brian and I don’t argue a lot, thank goodness. Sometimes when we argue it goes really well. We listen to each other and are loving the whole time. It’s fantastic. Not saying that I like to argue,  because I totally don’t. But when we have good arguments where it’s not miserable, I feel happy and okay. The percentage of good arguments have gone up over the years, which is great, but other times it just seems to be so dramatic. That is most likely totally because of me. I get really hurt when we argue. Even if it ends in “Baby, I’m sorry” and “I forgive you,” I feel  awful afterwards and have a hard time with it. Not only do I just get frustrated and feel dumb over arguing in the first place, but I also hate feeling like we can’t work through something peacefully. SO. . . I go to an extreme and have a really hard time bouncing back. Sometimes I’ll be upset about it still after an hour. (I’m not mad a Brian for an hour, I just feel hurt and down, so I totally am not myself for a while.) It’s. So. Dumb. I really need to work on that.

Arguments shouldn’t last for a long time, they shouldn’t be ridiculously dramatic and afterward we should be able to bounce back and be fine again. Now sometimes, a discussion might last longer than normal because there is a big issue. That just happens, it’s part of life. Also, after the apologies and such, there might be reason for further discussion so that the argument doesn’t go the same. It’s good to talk about ways to improve. But never should it be really dramatic and we shouldn’t stay down in the dump for hours.

Brian brought that to me yesterday and I think he is right. 

I am no expert on relationships by any stretch of the imagination, but one thing I do know is that, like Becca said, it's not good to drag arguments out for hours on end. That is not healthy at all. Something that I've found to be very helpful while in a discussion or argument is to pause for a few seconds, don't say anything, and remember who you are talking to; it's the person you care about most. You need to be that person's biggest fan, even in an argument; actually, especially in an argument. I've found that saying simple words of affirmation randomly while in a discussion can ease tension. 

I totally agree with that. During an argument, Brian will sometimes say, "Becca...I love you" or reach over and grab my hand. It just makes me remember that he loves me and we are okay. I'll do the same thing to Bri, and it really tends to help things. If I reach over and scratch his shoulder or something, normally he will close his eyes and sigh. I can visibly see that it made him relax and feel better. Great point to bring up Bri!  

My last two thoughts on this subject are these . . . first, pray and ask the Lord now, as well as during an argument to make you unselfish. Selfishness causes many arguments and it also prolongs them. Lastly, find your satisfaction in the Lord so that WHEN your partner lets you down, (cause spoiler alert . . . nobody's perfect, and we are going to let each other down now and again) it won't crush your world. If your satisfaction is in Christ, that person not fulfilling your need or them letting you down in some way will be alright, because you already have your needs met in Christ. I hope that makes sense. God really can be your satisfaction in every area of your life, and when He is, it will change a lot of things for good. He is all sufficient. Thanks for reading.

Feelings of Inadequacy

Television. Internet. Magazines. Billboards.

They are covered with perfect individuals, illustrating what the world has been programmed to think is "attractive." Women wearing minimal clothing, shirtless men sporting their muscles, people with flawless skin, perfect body weight, gorgeous hair, ect. These people are edited, placed on billboards and instantly they set a standard of living.

In relationships this can cause a major problem. Thankfully, Brian is so good about guarding his eyes. When a commercial comes on that is inappropriate, he turns away, refusing to look at such things. It has been fantastic for me because I don't feel like I have to compete with these women models who are perfect in every way. He doesn't look at that, so I don't feel like I have to meet such standards. If he did, I would feel so inadequate and like no matter what I did, I would never be satisfying and good enough for him. What an awful feeling that would be!!!

I will be honest and say that a couple years ago, I was not careful with what I allowed myself to watch, read, listen to, ect. Thank goodness the Lord has really been working on me and showing me how these things affect my life and walk with God. I'm so happy that the Lord has changed that area of my life to where I feel disgusted with TV, Internet and the like. Also, I believe that it has really benefited Bri and my relationship because he won't feel like he has to compete. I love everything about him, no matter what the dudes on TV are doing. He's perfect for me and I want to continue to work at making sure he knows that I don't have a standard for him to meet. If I'm posting pictures and fantasizing about some movie or pop star, then he will feel like he isn't enough. I do NOT want the love of my life to feel that way, and I definitely don't ever want to allow myself to think that way.

We all know that the focus on sex is so powerful in today's world. We can't get away from it and sadly it will only get worse as time goes on. We can't change what type of images are portrayed in our world, but we CAN change what we do with them. The devil wants us to look to other sources for satisfaction, but that will only frustrate us because that will never satisfy. The Lord created a relationship to be between two people...ONLY! If there are other characters polluting your mind and making you look at your partner differently, then there is a problem. You may not be intimate with them, but your mind has been. What makes one more acceptable than the other? The Bible says, "Don't you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of a person's mouth come from the heart, and these defile them." Matthew 5:18. Also it says in Psalm 44:21 "Would not God discover this? For He knows the secrets of the heart."

To all my fellow bros out there, I just want to encourage you to not ever compromise with what you let you eyes see. So many times, I ask my friends their opinion on a movie as far as cleanliness and sex goes and they inform me it was clean and "they don't really show anything" . . . then I go see the movie and I have to look down for 3/4 of the movie cause an immodest girl is in the whole stinkin movie. Don't ever lower your standards of what is right and pure. Pretty much, I'm reiterating what Becca said; be careful what you let your eyes see and your ears hear. Be faithful to your partner, even with your eyes.

Bottom line: We would just like to encourage everyone, along with ourselves, to guard our hearts. Be careful with what we allow ourselves to look at and dwell on. This not only affects our relationship with Christ, but also it can really affect our dating/marriage relationship.

Who are YOU?

"Wow. I really am just too skinny."

"I look ugly don't I?" 

"Man, I'm annoying myself. You must really hate me right now."

"I wish I had her voice." 

Blah blah blah blah blah! I may be totally off track, so correct me if I'm wrong, but am I the only one who doesn't think that's cute? 

I'm not gonna sit here and tell you, "Learn to love yourself." That's bogus. But I think it is very important to learn to be secure with who you are. It makes a relationship way better and keeps it from turning into a constant therapy session and ego boost exercise. Let me explain. 

I used to struggle a lot with being insecure about myself. Whether it was my personality, my head shape, or my stick-like wrists. I have grown up in a difficult home life and have struggled with rejection and very high standards. That really affected my self perception. I never told anyone that, so I kept it to myself and got self conscious about who I was. Whenever I was around Brian, I felt like I had to be perfect. Slowly but surely, I realized that Brian wasn't dating me because of my outfit or dynamic personality. He loved me for me. He loved me despite my flaws. 

When I finally understood that concept, I was able to let loose more and be myself. Brian even noticed. One day, I took a step and didn't wear any makeup around Brian. He said, "Bec, you look gorgeous. I don't think there has ever been a time where I have seen you look this beautiful!" I was like.... (o.0) ....what? My personality was more natural too. I didn't feel like I had to hide my bad side because I knew that Bri would stick with me even if I wasn't being very nice. 

I've gotten Brian's agreement on this: He thinks it is more attractive when I am confident in myself and don't feel it necessary to bash my appearance or personality. There have been times when I've said something negative about myself and Brian doesn't like it. For instance, I just said a couple days ago, "Wow....I look scary skinny right now. Ew that's disgusting." Brian said, "Bec. Don't say that. You're perfect." With that kind of help and encouragement, and also with a changed attitude, I have gotten a lot better in this area. (Not perfect though) Now, I go without makeup a lot and look into Brian's eyes without feeling ugly. I'm able to know that after a bad day, Brian still loves and won't pick apart who I am because I wasn't happy go lucky like normal. It's really a huge freedom for both me and Brian. 

So, a shout out to everyone, but specifically girls: Don't try to change or cover up who you are for fear of rejection. And don't think that by bashing yourself and calling out your imperfections that it's doing any good. It certainly isn't doing anything except probably annoying the crud out of your partner. Now, if you are with a person who can't handle you without makeup or on your PMS days then whoa, that's a different story! Hit the road! (I may be wrong or taking it to the extreme. . . sorry if I am. I can be extreme sometimes. Can I get an amen Bri?)
 
Don't spend your time worrying about small things that make you "less than perfect." You are perfect just the way God made you. Yes, you have flaws, just like I do, but it doesn't define who we are and it definitely doesn't change our standing with God. 

Luv Languages

Gary Chapman speaks of "Five Love Languages" and how they apply to relationships of all kinds but especially to dating and marriage relationships. These are the five:

Words of Affirmation

Physical Touch

Quality Time

Acts of Service

Gifts

When Becca and I started dating, I didn't even know exactly what love languages were. For all I knew, it could have been some dialect of Portuguese. 

Everyone has a certain way of expressing and receiving love. In our relationship, we have discovered the importance of learning one another's love language. The better we are at speaking it, the smoother things will go.

Brian feels most loved when I compliment him and spend time with him. That would be Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. I'm awful at giving compliments so I have had to develop in that area in order to make him feel loved. When I compliment him and tell him how good he is a something, that gives him a shot in the arm and makes him want to do even better. I have tried to do better at recognizing various characteristics about Brian and telling him that I noticed so that he feels appreciated. That is huge for him. Although I still have a lot to learn, I started noticing a difference once I started complimenting him more. Also, Quality time is a great one because Brian feels loved when I spend time with him. Whether it is just doing homework, watching a movie, or running errands with him, he likes when we are together. So do I, so that's a plus. ;)

Becca is a good bit different than me when it comes to love languages. I have found that her top three are Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Quality Time. Every girl wants to feel beautiful and loved, so a tip to all guys out there, compliment your partner with no reserve. You can never compliment her enough. So, with that said, Becca likes it when I compliment her. For example: her outfit, her kindness, her study habits, etc. This is all included in Words of Affirmation. 

Quality time is also huge. If I get caught up in school, work, or hobbies and I don't take time out of my days to spend JUST with Becca, she won't feel as loved. Going on an outing every week or two, even if it's just for coffee or a walk is a good idea in my opinion. Lastly is Physical touch. Becca feels very loved if I scratch her back, have my arm around her, or hold her hand. I could give her all the quality time in the world, but if I don't do the seemingly small things, it won't be quality time in her book.

We need to remember that we are all different. Learn about your partner, study them if you will. Analyze who they are and what makes them feel special so that you can love them in the most powerful way possible. You can shower someone with gifts all day long, thinking that they are feeling so loved, but really, they might rather you just give them a big ole bear hug. The only way that you will know these types of things is by studying your partner and getting to know what makes them feel like a million bucks.

Welcome to MangoLuv

MangoLuv is simply a place for us to voice our learning experiences and our relationship advice (as slightly valuable as it may be) with those who are willing to share it with us. We figure that there are many couples out there who come across the same issues that we have, so why not share?

This blog is open to anyone who wants to visit. Married, dating or single! No matter what category you fit into, we are happy you have visited!